To celebrate, the $35 billion organisation did what any socially-unaware, excitable just-turned-five schoolchild would and stated, extremely proudly, something its captive audience already knew and really couldn’t care less about; its five accounts with the most followers.

Not to be confused with the Nobel Prize for Physics, which naturally bares many of the same names, the resounding list proved two things; one, that the channel’s 400m user base consists entirely of prepubescent tweenage girls. Second: humanity is, essentially, screwed.



With 14 million local users, the UK’s list of top accounts ran somewhat like a Claire’s Accessories dream dinner party invite, with three members of the simply magical band Wand Erection (or something along those lines) and two should-have-studied-medicine-at-oxbridge footballers. Inspired.

UK Top 5 most-followed Instagram accounts:

@harrystyles, @davidbeckham, @niallhoran, @garethbale11 and @fakeliampayne
In the USA, meanwhile, it was a clear celebration of musical depth and talent over aesthetic looks with the top five collectively wearing enough clothing to make a barbie doll-sized bikini. And people said females are exploited for their looks.

The USA’s top 5 most followed accounts:
@beyonce, @kimkardashian, @arianagrande, @taylorswift and @selenagomez.

If Instagram is the “art gallery of the future” as numerous pretentious nobodies have in-eloquently mused at suitably haughty dinner parties across the years, Instagram is pretty advanced for a five-year-old. Having skipped the usual fridge-framed family portrait and innocent flower scribbles of a normal primary school child, it’s headed straight for the sex, drugs and rock and roll of a teenager’s illicit HMV purchased poster. Now, all’s that left to see is if it celebrates being six by jumping straight to the existential crisis of a twenty-something. Debts and dependence on alcohol included.