It’s Facebook’s 12th birthday and to celebrate they’ve come up with a campaign so nauseating you’re going to want to delete everyone who falls for it. Even your mum.
Ever wanted to see a tacky presentation of the most popular photos of that friendly but highly emotional drunk girl you met in a packed club toilet and (as new ‘besties’) added on every social network? What about the mousy one who sat two rows behind you in year seven maths and never actually spoke to you, but sent a friend request towards the end of uni? Or, who could forget, your best friend’s boyfriend’s cousin who accidentally added you after a random stalk – you were too polite to say no, they were too embarrassed to delete. You just don’t talk about it, comprende?
Of course you do! And, we imagine, you want to see them en masse. Everywhere. All over your screen as though each and every postee has been gifted the equivalent of an Oscar from the internet gods themselves. Well, everyone’s second favourite tax dodgers (after Starbucks, of course) Facebook are here to help and if you go down to the newsfeed today you’re sure of a complete lack of surprise.
Somewhat reminiscent of every other pathetic attempt the internet giant has made to show off their gravitas, Facebook are apparently too cheap to buy a cake large enough for their 1.55 billion monthly active users and are celebrating their 12th year of rotting brains the world over with a ‘personalised’ video for each and every user. Zuckerberg’s minions have decided what we, the general public, crave more than anything else is a random selection of popular photos chosen by a machine that, when amalgamated into the same structure as everyone else, signifies the diversity and togetherness of friendship.
Yup, all those people you loathe and rant about, deliberately hiding their post before you send abuse worthy of every war crime ever committed. Lucky you get to see their Instagrammed-to-sh*t dinner and wonky picture of a trip to the zoo combined into the exact same format you saw two minutes ago from the lady who bred your Shih Tzu.
What’s more – because Facebook really cares about you – they’ve even created your own identical mashup of the moments you were bored enough to have the time to post online. Remember that lovely lunch you had with Brad before he dumped you for his best friend? Yeah, that’s there. And the spam photo you were tagged in about half price ‘Rey Banns’ with hundreds of others (come to think of it, they never did arrive)? Included too.
If you manage to make it to the end of your own video without realising just how many real-life friends you’ve lost since first creating your account, you’ll be thankful of one thing – the amount of people you’ll want to delete after seeing their videos. In line with their mission to change the world, Facebook has brought a new saying into 2016’s philosophical lexicon and prompted users the world over to ask just one question; what came first, the need to unfriend or the Friend Day video?
So before you drink yourself to a shaking mess and unfriend everyone down to your long-term partner and family, raise a glass for friendship and how utterly f**cked the concept of Friends Day is. Here’s to all the pointless nobodies cluttering up your newsfeed and all the actually quite nice friends you’ve unfollowed because they’re just that annoying online. Happy Friends Day, friends.